


Gorthaur's Playground

by MickMackNickNack



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Humor, But mostly humour, Chatting & Messaging, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Multi, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Sauron and Mairon are two different people, Yet another abandoned fic GODDAMN, the implied/referenced thing is very heavily referenced
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-11-30
Packaged: 2020-08-10 00:24:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20126317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MickMackNickNack/pseuds/MickMackNickNack
Summary: Mairon and Sauron (or in age order Sauron and Mairon) Gorthaur are the most annoying brothers since Manwe and Melkor.Manwe didn't want to find out which brother makes bad sex jokes, or if Melkor is in love with Mairon, or if Thuringwethil is living with Sauron and Mairon but wasn't legally their sister.Thuringwethil didn't want to hear the details of her boyfriend's brother's relationship with her boyfriend's best friend.As for the others...I'd say they could care less.





	1. the age of idiots

**Author's Note:**

> Guess why I chose German. Go on, guess. It totally isn't because Tolkien was German and a friend of mine heard an Orcish name and said it sounded like a 'bastardisation of a German name'.

** _Sauron _ ** _has created a group chat. _

** _Sauron _ ** _has named the chat ‘Doom of Men and My Brother”_

** _Sauron _ ** _has added Melkor, Thuringwethil, Gothmog, and Mairon to Doom of Men and My Brother_

Sauron: Hi meine Lieben!

Mairon: Sauron, sei doch, mal still?

Sauron: Nein, Ich werde nicht leise sein.

Melkor: Speak English u jerks. 

Sauron: Sorry mortal. 

Melkor: Ugh shut up. 

Thuringwethil: why in hell am I texting u jerks. 

Sauron: u love us. 

Thuringwethil: I love u, not Melkor. Melkor sucks.

** _Sauron _ ** _has changed Thuringwethil’s name to prettymortal. _ ** _Sauron _ ** _has changed Melkor’s name to sewagedump. _

** _sewagedump_ ** _ has left Doom of Men and My Brother._

** _Mairon_ ** _ has changed Mairon’s name to theunderratedbrother. _

** _theunderratedbrother_ ** _ has invited sewagedump to Doom of Men and My Brother. _

** _theunderratedbrother_ ** _ has changed sewagedump’s name to icyginger _

Icyginger: thx Mai 

Theunderratedbrother: ur welcome Mel <3 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _has changed Sauron’s name to firebreathingdragon. _

Firebreathingdragon: thx Bruder. 

Theunderratedbrother: Bitte. 

Prettymortal: Hey Sauron can I be pretty-vamp

Firebreathingdragon: Ja, one sec

** _Firebreathingdragon _ ** _has changed prettymortal’s name to pretty-vamp _

Pretty-vamp: thx love 

_Gothmog has joined Doom of Men and My Brother _

Gothmog: I wake up to u idiots doing this. Also, Sauron is Mai at Mel’s house? 

Firebreathingdragon: no why

Gothmog: shit now I owe Thuri fifteen bucks

Firebreathingdragon: oh god u dumbasses and ur bets. 

Gothmog: yr girlfriend’s in this. 

Firebreathingdragon: shit sry Thuri love

Pretty-vamp: apology accepted dolt

Gothmog: Who’s who here? 

Icyginger: I’m Melkor

Theunderratedbrother: I’m Mairon duh

Firebreathingdragon: I’m Sauron

Pretty-vamp: Thuringwethil

Gothmog: Okay Sauron can u change my name?

Firebreathingdragon: Ja

** _Firebreathingdragon _ ** _has changed Gothmog’s name to Firedemon_

Firedemon: Shit thx this name is amazing 

Theunderratedbrother: Wait so did u bet that Mel and I hooked up

Firedemon: yeah 

**_Firebreathingdragon_** _has changed Firebreathingdragon’s name to Firebreathingwerewolf. _

Theunderratedbrother: No but Thuri moved in with us because remember her parents are uber dead 

Firebreathingwerewolf: stop that’s mean 

Theunderratedbrother: sry

Pretty-vamp: Btw their house is legit amazing 

Theunderratedbrother: yeah Sauron she’s right. But our family is loaded so whatever

Firebreathingwerewolf: yeah we are loaded 

Theunderratedbrother: wait but our house is kind of nicer than Melkor’s lol

Icyginger: yes it is I hate my life 

Firedemon: lucky stiffs my parents are just average. also if u are rich why r u in public school

Theunderratedbrother: because our parents want us to ‘live in the normal world’ 

Firebreathingwerewolf: yeah 

Theunderratedbrother: hang on I have to do something 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _has changed the chat name to Gorthaur’s Playground _

Icyginger: Wait, you or Sauron’s playground

Theunderratedbrother: Sauron’s. One sec

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _has added Manwe to Gorthaur’s Playground. _

Manwe: What the what who is in this? 

Icyginger: Me, Thuringwethil, Gothmog, and BOTH Gorthaur brothers. 

Manwe: Who is me? 

Manwe: Melkor is that you? 

Icyginger: yeah it is my silly little brother

Manwe: We’re twins. 

Firebreathingwerewolf: Yeah and you are twins with bed benefits

Manwe: Sex joke = older Gorthaur brother so…wait fuck, Melkor, what are their names again? 

Icyginger: Older = Sauron younger = Mairon. Sauron’s older by eight minutes tho 

Manwe: Oh wait that was Sauron? I can’t believe this. 

** _Firebreathingwerewolf _ ** _has changed Manwe’s name to FLYLikeAnEagle _

FLYLikeAnEagle: Oh, classy, Sauron. 

Firebreathingwerewolf: I know. what are u guys doing this weekend

Firedemon: I have no idea

Pretty-vamp: no idea 

Icyginger: Your brother Sauron

Firebreathingwerewolf: shut up no u will not 

Icyginger: I know sry lol 

Icyginger: wait why’d u ask 

Firebreathingwerewolf: because i want to hang out with u guys. Except maybe manwe

FLYLikeAnEagleoffense has been taken. 

Firebreathingwerewolf: KIDDING

FLYLikeAnEagle: btw Melkor do you want some toast

Icyginger: Why 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Because I made toast but tHeRe’S nO bUtTeR oR jElLy aNd DaD wOn’T bUy JeLlY 

Icyginger: wait how much toast

FLYLikeAnEagle: um six pieces

Icyginger: SCREW THIS I WANT TOAST

FLYLikeAnEagle: okay

FLYLikeAnEagle: I just realised I’ve never met Mairon 

Theunderratedbrother: If u guys want to come to our house u can our parents are really fine with whatever we do

FLYLikeAnEagle: wait what 

Theunderratedbrother: yeah I once found a stockpile of throwing knives in Sauron’s room 

FLYLikeAnEagle: WHAT YOUR PARENTS DIDN’T GROUND HIM? 

Theunderratedbrother: no Sauron’s diagnosed with clinical paranoia so when he was a kid if someone snuck upon him he would try to strangle them. 

FLYLikeAnEagle: wow and I thought Melkor’s ADD was bad 

Theunderratedbrother: and he had chronic nightmares 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Wait that’s a thing 

Theunderratedbrother: yeah it is he was hospitalised 

Firebreathingwerewolf: stop mai you are embarrassing me 

Theunderratedbrother: so will u guys come over

FLYLikeAnEagle: yes if u tell me what happened to the knives

Theunderratedbrother: we have them somewhere that Sauron knows not 

FLYLikeAnEagle: will u show me and Melkor 

Theunderratedbrother: will u pay me

FLYLikeAnEagle: Yeah okay whatever just tell me 

Theunderratedbrother: Yeah okay sure whatever 

Pretty-vamp: Gothmog u coming

Firedemon: yeah I am 

Icyginger: do u want food

Firebreathingwerewolf: yes yes yes ring pops, please 

Icyginger: will do 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Mairon do u want anything

Theunderratedbrother: yeah can u get Oreos 

FLYLikeAnEagle: YES YES YES OREOS FOR THE WIN! 

Icyginger: wait for what movie we watching?

Firebreathingwerewolf: NOT THE LAST JEDI 

FLYLikeAnEagle: I can live with that 

Firedemon: Harry Potter anyone? 

Icyginger: yes I wanna binge them

Icyginger: before we see the cursed child 

Pretty-vamp: yes me too

Firebreathingwerewolf: agreed 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Yes yes yes yes

Theunderratedbrother: YESH YESH YESH 

Firebreathingwerewolf: my brother watched these movies for his ginger kick 

Icyginger: gingers for the win 

Icyginger: wait hang on 

Icyginger: Sauron why do you have dark skin and hair 

Icyginger: you and Mai are identical twins right

Firebreathingwerewolf: no we’re fraternal 

Icyginger: where do you get ur appearance

Firebreathingwerewolf: mom. her family is from India. dad’s family is Irish but they moved to Germany. 

Icyginger: oh yeah sry

Firedemon: wait do you speak Hindi

Firebreathingwerewolf: yeah

Firedemon: Main bhee! 

Firebreathingwerewolf: Ainne aisa socha tha, lekin mujhe yakeen nahin tha!

Icyginger: stop speaking another language gah 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Jeg snakker et annet språk også. 

Icyginger: Haha det er korrekt

Pretty-vamp: oh yeah Wǒ yě shuōle xiē bié dehuà

Icyginger: okay let's stop with the other languages 

Firebreathingwerewolf: so our house Friday? 

Icyginger: sure 

FLYLikeAnEagle: MELKOR WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE KITCHEN YOU ASS

Icyginger: shit shit shit sry bye guys I’ll be dead in ten seconds bye 

Firebreathingwerewolf: umm so I’m leaving… 


	2. the heathens exist now

Icyginger: Hii, lazy jerks. 

Firebreathingwerewolf: question do you really sleep with Manwe or is that something Tulkas made up 

Icyginger: he made it up 

Firebreathingwerewolf: okay 

FLYLikeAnEagle: um I woke up and my phone was showing THIS 

FLYLikeAnEagle: wtf MeLkOr WhY iS iT sO hArD tO sHuT yOuR mOuTh 

Icyginger: okay so if anyone adds Tulkas I’m leaving 

** _FLYLikeAnEagle _ ** _ has added Tulkas to Gorthaur’s Playground  _

** _Firebreathingwerewolf _ ** _ has changed Tulkas’s name to PerpetratorOfBadThings _

PerpetratorOfBadThings: What even is this and why is it called Gorthaur’s playground 

Firebreathingwerewolf: Because it’s my playground and I’m Sauron so yeah 

PerpetratorOfBadThings: aren’t you the guy who tried to strangle me in the third grade and then got sent to a mental hospital for six weeks?

Firebreathingwerewolf: yes why

PerpetratorOfBadThings: u got therapy for that right 

Firebreathingwerewolf: yes I did 

PerpetratorOfBadThings: is Melkor here

Icyginger: that’s Melkorist

PerpetratorOfBadThings: why do you hate me

Icyginger: because you said I slept with my brother 

PerpetratorOfBadThings: u did kiss him once 

Icyginger: yeah but that was a dare and I was drunk 

PerpetratorOfBadThings: oh yeah right sorry 

Icyginger: I can change your name if u want

** _Icyginger _ ** _ has changed PerpetratorOfBadThings’s name to Laughing-ginger-Zeus _

Laughing-ginger-Zeus: what the

Icyginger: I have chronic weirdness don’t judge me 

Laughing-ginger-Zeus: okay 

** _Laughing-ginger-Zeus _ ** _ has left Gorthaur’s Playground  _

FLYLikeAnEagle: yay he’s gone

Firebreathingwerewolf: bruh u invited him 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Yah but I don’t like--oh wait I see what u mean now… 

** _Firebreathingwerewolf _ ** _ has added Varda to Gorthaur’s Playground  _

** _Firebrathingwerewolf _ ** _ has added Nienna to Gorthaur’s Playground  _

Nienna: what is this 

Varda: is firebreathingwerewolf one of the Gorthaurs 

FLYLikeAnEagle: yeah it’s Sauron. 

Varda: who are you?

FLYLikeAnEagle: Manwe

Varda: how did u wind up here?

FLYLikeAnEagle: Sauron kidnapped me

Varda: oOf 

Icyginger: hi Nienna it’s Melkor

Nienna: hi Melkor 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _ has changer Varda’s name to Starqueen  _

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _ has changed Nienna’s name to Weepingwillow  _

Weepingwillow: gee thanks Mai 

Starqueen: who is everyone here

Firebreathingwerewolf: Satan, darling 

Starqueen: Sauron shut the f up only you would say something like that 

Theunderratedbrother: Mairon 

Icyginger: Melkor

FLYLikeAnEagle: Manwe

Firedemon: Gothmog 

Pretty-vamp: Thuringwethil 

Weepingwillow: Nienna 

Starqueen: Varda 

Starqueen: now that I know who you idiots are and that I know you all what is this 

Firebreathingwerewolf: read the title 

Starqueen: what 

Starqueen: wait hang on Manwe said he was doing something this Friday are u guys hanging out and can we come 

Firebreathingwerewolf: sure bring food

Starqueen: pizza rolls 

Firebreathingwerewolf: marry me 

Pretty-vamp: I’ll make cookies 

Firebreathingwerewolf: actually nvm Varda Thuri’s cookies are God 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _ has changed Firebreathingwerewolf’s name to Thesluttybrother _

** _Thesluttybrother_ ** _ has changed Thesluttybrother’s name to RuleThemAll _

Starqueen: should I still bring pizza rolls 

RuleThemAll: yes

Theunderratedbrother: yes 

Starqueen: oh my god u guys are always hungry 

Icyginger: hang on what type of cookie 

Pretty-vamp: decorated sugar cookies. Probably bird or eye design or stars or all three 

Icyginger: yes marry me 

Pretty-vamp: sorry I’m not stupid I’ll take Sauron bcos I dont like gingers 

Icyginger: noooooooooo but u like Mai 

Theunderratedbrother: we’re friends u jerk

Icyginger: yah but I’m bi 

Theunderratedbrother: yeah but u need to marry Nienna or I will cry 

Icyginger: I thought u liked me

Theunderratedbrother: nooo I want Eonwe lol 

Icyginger: f no Eonwe is weird

Theunderratedbrother: he and Manwe are practically twins and Manwe’s hot so yeah

Icyginger: oh my god but he and Sauron hate each other and Eonwe hates u 

RuleThemAll: bcos he tried to kiss him at a party once 

Theunderratedbrother: HoW dArE yOu ExPoSe Me? 

RuleThemAll: Not sorry 

Icyginger: oh my god lol 

Weepingwillow: the fuck tell me u and Mai got it on bcos we ARE ALL SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT 

Icyginger: language ni-ni 

Icyginger: ooh an idea 

** _Icyginger _ ** _ has changed Weepingwillow’s name to KnightofNi _

KnightofNi: Did you and Mai have sex

Icyginger: yes here 

Icyginger: [Image sent] 

RuleThemAll: wtf why am I seeing my brother’s dick sjfl:a;gjgjaglfg

Pretty-vamp: Mel u broke my boyfriend

Pretty-vamp: also ewwww Mai I don’t want to see that. 

  
  


** _‘Gorthaur’s Playground’ _ **

  
  


Starqueen: Manwe help us Nienna and I are lost 

FLYLikeAnEagle: I have no idea how we got here Mel drove 

Starqueen: she’s crying

FLYLikeAnEagle: u comfort her she’s your girlfriend 

Starqueen: ugh whyyyyy

FLYLikeAnEagle: sry I’m ace 

RuleThemAll: hush mortals we are going to start the movie if you assholes dont get here soon 

Starqueen: oh shit Sauron your house is huge

RuleThemAll: haha yeah Mai still gets lost in it

Starqueen: where do we go? btw YOU HAVE A BUTLER THE FUCK WHY???

RuleThemAll: we’re in the basement. Fifth door on the right. 

Starqueen: EVEN YOUR BASEMENT IS NICE 

RuleThemAll: I KNOW 

** _‘Gorthaur’s Playground’ _ **

** _Nienna _ ** _ created a new group chat  _

** _Nienna _ ** _ named the chat Gossiping Girls Version 3.3333 _

** _Nienna _ ** _ has added Varda and Thuringwethil  _

Nienna: okay morning report

Varda: clearly 

Thuringwethil: go away I am sLeEpInG 

Varda: no you are not 

Nienna: SERIOUSLY MELKOR AND MAIRON ARE HOLDING HANDS AND MANWE IS HUGGING MELKOR AND IT IS CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE! 

Thuringwethil: Oh my god what send a pic

Nienna: here you go oh my god Manwe is so adorable like what 

Nienna: [Image Sent] 

Thuringwethil: OMG I WANT HIM HE LOOKS LIKE A HAPPY CAT 

Nienna: I knoooow it shortcircuited me too. 

Varda: so much cuteness despite the fact there was clearly incest at Mai’s request 

Nienna: Manwe’s ace

Varda: still 

  
  
  



	3. Khamul's a whore and I make no apologies also Sauron is a Goff Melkor loves ring pops too much

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what the title says

** _‘Gorhaur’s Playground’ _ **

RuleThemAll: heeeeeelp I fucked up big big big big big big! 

Pretty-vamp: what did u do love

RuleThemAll: I made cookies but I put them 2 close together and now they are a GIANT COOKIE and I don’t have anywhere 2 put it 

Pretty-vamp: umm I guess just eat it 

RuleThemAll: I’m fuuuuuuuuuull

Pretty-vamp: why do I put up with this

Theunderratedbrother: you fucking love him 

Icyginger: mAiRoN tHaT wOrD iS nAuGhTy 

Theunderratedbrother: no u 

Icyginger: f this I want a ring pop

Icyginger: Sauron give me a ring pop 

RuleThemAll: no

Icyginger: I WAS GETTING KINDA USED TO BEING SOMEONE YOU LOVED 

Theunderratedbrother: BUT NOW THE DAY BLEEDS INTO NIGHTFALL

Icyginger: AND YOU’RE NOT HERE

Theunderratedbrother: TO GET ME THROUGH IT ALL 

Icyginger: Sauron this should be our song

RuleThemAll: … 

RuleThemAll: no. 

Icyginger: r u doing this for your no fetish

RuleThemAll: WHAT THE FUCK MELKOR I DONT HAVE A NO FETISH THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU 

Icyginger: give me a ring pop 

RuleThemAll: fine but only if u admit u have a ginger fetish which is why u r dating mai

Icyginger: wtf no 

RuleThemAll: then no ring pop

Icyginger: fine I admit it 

RuleThemAll: I have a ring pop one sec. 

RuleThemAll: [Image Sent]

Icyginger: yes gimme 

Theunderratedbrother: wow

Theunderratedbrother: what’s everyone's kink

RuleThemAll: I refuse to speak 

KnightOfNi: lol me too

Theunderratedbrother: yeah I asked a weird question but SAURON IS A VIRGIN BITCHES   
  


Starqueen: oh my god mai shut your fucking mouth 

Theunderratedbrother: and he and thuringwethil are Platonic Soulmates

Starqueen: MAIRON GORTHAUR SHUT YOUR MOUTH 

Theunderratedbrother: …no. 

RuleThemAll: His mouth ain’t open Melkor isn’t here. 

Starqueen: THE FUCK DID I JUST READ   
  


Pretty-vamp: I s2g if Sauron makes one more joke abt Melkor’s sex life I will steal my son. 

Starqueen: thuringwethil you don’t have a son 

Pretty-vamp: I do his name is MELKOR WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING

Starqueen: is that your son’s name

Pretty-vamp: yes it is 

RuleThemAll: this is the ultimate truth Melkor 

RuleThemAll: I am your father 

Icyginger: the fuck 

** _Icyginger _ ** _ has left Gorthaur’s Playground  _

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has invited Icyginger to Gorthaur’s playground  _

Icyginger: Sauron we are the same age

Pretty-vamp: yes but Sauron is my bf so he’s your father 

KnightOfNi: lol Sauringwethil or Maikor

Icyginger: Sauringwethil baybey 

Theunderratedbrother: yeah Sauringwethil 

  
RuleThemAll: Maikor so I can make jokes abt Melkor's sex life 

FLYLikeAnEagle: hmmm Nienda 

Theunderratebrother: what’s that 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Nienna and Varda

Theunderratedbrother: ooooooh I ship it 

  
Icyginger: guys smash or pass 

RuleThemAll: okay 

RuleThemAll: Yavanna

Icyginger: smash

Theunderratedbrother: she is the mom of our friend group. Smash 

Pretty-vamp: smash

FLYLikeAnEagle: pass for OBVIOUS REASONS 

Pretty-vamp: Ilmare 

RuleThemAll: SMASH GODDAMNIT 

Icyginger: SMASH I mean come on 

Pretty-vamp: okay

Pretty-vamp: one sec

** _Pretty-vamp _ ** _ has added Yavanna to Gorthaur’s Playground  _

Yavanna: um 

Yavanna: I’m scared

Yavanna: the fact that Mairon would hook up with me scares me 

Yavanna: and Sauron is a virgin apparently

Yavanna: and Sauron makes sex jokes 

Yavanna: about Maikor 

Yavanna: do you guys really ship Nienda 

RuleThemAll: yes we do 

Yavanna: hi Sauron 

Yavanna: can I have a name 

RuleThemAll: sure

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has changed Yavanna’s name to  _ ** _TerraMom _ **

TerraMom: lol nice 

RuleThemAll: You’re welcome 

TerraMom: did thuri make cookies I sMeLl tHe cOoOkIeS 

RuleThemAll: nO tHeRe ArE nO cOoKiEs 

KnightOfNi: yEs ThErE aRe I aTe sOmE 

TerraMom: oH gOoD tHeY aRe MiNe NoW 

Icyginger: why are y’all talking like this

RuleThemAll: I wasnt aware we were cowboys now 

Icyginger: die 

RuleThemAll: sorry I’m immortal

TerraMom: cOmE fOrTh mY iMmOrTaL cHiLdReN!

Icyginger: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH COMING OH GREAT YAVANNA MOM 

TerraMom: wtf Melkor I was legally emancipated from you because mai and sau are my kids and it would be weird. also, only the sauron is my immortal child 

TerraMom: the rest of you are mortals 

Icyginger: lol my immortal sau you’re a Goff 

RuleThemAll: bought matching diamonds for nine of my bitches 

Icyginger: no. you didn’t. 

Icyginger: bitch I warned u

KnightOfNi: wtf is happening

Icyginger: only I get ring pops from sau

KnightOfNI: You is one lame-ass ring-pop addict 

Theunderratedbrother: I need to know this for the safety of my own survival

FLYLikeAnEagle: oh my god what is it mai I like u dont die

Starqueen: yes what is it 

  
TerraMom: mai my child tell us 

RuleThemAll: tell us 

Icyginger: tell us

Pretty-vamp: tell us 

Theunderratedbrother: who here has fucked Khamul 

RuleThemAll: you mean

RuleThemAll: who hasn't 

Theunderratedbrother: I have 

Icyginger: me too 

RuleThemAll: the girls haven’t he’s gay. but I have

TerraMom: actually everyone on this chat has

FLYLikeAnEagle: I haven’t

RuleThemAll: you’re ace you don’t count 

FLYLikeAnEagle: I’m still a person bitch 

RuleThemAll: shut up

Theunderratedbrother: the point is I know who’s fucktoy he is

RuleThemAll: oh my god

Theunderratedbrother: he’s fucking Angmar

RuleThemAll: oh my god mai I knew that 

RuleThemAll: guys guess what Khamul is in a stable relationship and it’s serious

Theunderratedbrother: Angmar and Khamul NEED to see this 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _ has added Angmar and Khamul to Gorthaur’s Playground _

Khamul: why is it such a surprise I’m in a relationship

Icyginger: no offence Khamul but you are the biggest whore in the entire school 

Khamul: no Uvatha is 

Icyginger: what 

Khamul: bitch I’m not the biggest whore. I’m second 

Icyginger: what about Melian

Khamul: she’s married to Thingol with Luthien their child 

Icyginger: what 

Khamul: they’re like a family and Beren’s the son-in-law 

Icyginger: oh lol 

Theunderratedbrother: these names make me sad 

** _Theunderratedbrother _ ** _ has changed Khamul’s name to BadRomanceGoth  _

**_Theunderratedbrother _**_has changed_ _Angmar’s name to SuckerForYou _

BadRomanceGoth: truth 

SuckerForYou: babe yours tho 

BadRomanceGoth: both are true 

BadRomanceGoth: btw why’d you call me his fucktoy 

Theunderratedbrother: ummmmmm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry about the profanity but I just totally hc this happening.


	4. All the angst is unloaded and fuck the last chapter’s ending I NEEDED THIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS FOR REFERENCED ABUSE AND DEPRESSION. ALSO FOR YAVANNA’S AMAZINGNESS!!

Icyginger: I am ded

RuleThemAll: YOU STOLE ALL THE RING POPS

Icyginger: and that is why

Firedemon: open this chat to Melkor being dead, okay then

Theunderratedbrother: wtf is happening

Pretty-vamp: I ask myself that exact question every fucking day

BadRomanceGoth: guys guys guys

RuleThemAll: wtf is it Khamul can’t you see there was a crime committed

BadRomanceGoth: Boromir and Lurtz are both madly in love with each other and NEITHER ONE THINKS THE OTHER CARES AT ALL

Firedemon: AAAAAAAH NO

Firedemon: UNACCEPTABLE THEY BOTH DESERVE LOVE

TerraMom: Does everyone here know about Curumo

Firedemon: he deserves to die

TerraMom: HE DATED LURTZ MAUHUR AND UGLUK T THE SAME TIME WITH OUT TELLING THEM HE WAS DATING THE OTHER TWO AND HURT ALL THREE

Icyginger: WHAT

TerraMom: He physically abused all three and was never with more than one at a time

Icyginger: wait what

RuleThemAll: Curumo tried to date me and then I found out

RuleThemAll: he graduated last year though

RuleThemAll: thank God

FLYLikeAnEagle: how come I was never told

RuleThemAll: they kept it quiet

FLYLikeAnEagle: oh my god he was technically cheating on two people every time he was with any of them

KnightofNI: I knew about all of this I was hospitalised at the same time as them

Starqueen: THIS DAMN SCHOOL HAS SO MUCH ANGST WE COULD BE A SOAP OPERA

TerraMom: this is why all three are so tight knit

BadRomanceGoth: So you will help me get Lurtz and Boromir together

TerraMom: I think I speak for all of us in saying FUCK YEAH

RuleThemAll: YOU DO

BadRomanceGoth: okay because Eowyn is involved too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might expand on this plot because at this point I don’t know if there is one
> 
> Also inconsistency is god I can’t seem to decide whether Sauron is ace in this fic or not


	5. MORE PLOTTY SHIT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lurtz joins the chat and Things Happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back! This story has turned out to be one of the most popular I've ever written, and it's not done yet! Thank you to everyone who has commented or given kudos so far! Your support means a lot to me!

** _Firedemon _ ** _ has added  _ ** _Uvatha _ ** _ to **Gorthaur's Playground ** _

Uvatha: the fuck 

Uvatha: Sauron is on here 

Uvatha: Melkor is too

Uvatha: Hi Yavanna

Uvatha: Mairon u bitch die 

Uvatha: Hi Angmar

Uvatha: Hi Khamul 

Uvatha: Hi Nienda

Uvatha: Hi Gothmog and Thuri 

Uvatha: Manwe u bitch die

Theunderratedbrother: why do u hate meeeee

Starqueen: UVATHA HE IS MY CHILD 

Uvatha: sOrRy 

BadRomanceGoth: vatha where my earrings 

Uvatha: I ate them mulmul 

SuckerForYou: vatha where his earrings 

Uvatha: you ate them

SuckerForYou: bitch 

Uvatha: this name makes me feel depression 

** _Uvatha _ ** _ has changed Uvatha’s name to  _ ** _Horseman _ **

Horseman: bitch 

** _KnightOfNi _ ** _ has made a group name with  _ ** _Starqueen. _ **

** _Nienda _ ** _ have joined the chat.  _

RuleThemAll: YAAAAASS

Nienda: this is Varda Sauron shut the fuck up I don’t need your screeching rn 

RuleThemAll: rn I need Lurtz

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has added  _ ** _Lurtz _ ** _ to  _ ** _Gorthaur’s Playground _ **

Lurtz: um 

Lurtz: hi 

RuleThemAll: headcount I’m Sauron

Nienda: Varda + Nienna

Icyginger: Melkor 

Firedemon: Gothmog

Theunderratedbrother: Mairon 

TerraMom: Yavanna

Pretty-vamp: Thuringwethil

Horseman: Uvatha

BadRomanceGoth: Khamul

SuckerForYou: Angmar 

FLYLikeAnEagle: Manwe 

Icyginger: let’s get rid of the usernames

RuleThemAll: NI 

Nienda: WAS THAT A JOKE 

RuleThemAll: no it’s not 

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has changed  _ ** _Lurtz’s _ ** _ name to  _ ** _ArrowsAndSwords_ **

ArrowsAndSwords: are you making fun of my HEMA addiction

RuleThemAll: yeah kinda

FLYLikeAnEagle: hey Sauron if you and Thuringwethil are Mel’s parents aren’t you mine too? 

RuleThemAll: WE HAD TWINS OH MY GOD

ArrowsAndSwords: congrats you assholes

FLYLikeAnEagle: Lurtz what do you look like I need to know I don’t think I’ve met you 

ArrowsAndSwords: [Image Sent] 

Icyginger: DAMN HE’S HOT 

Icyginger: lol I’ve never met him in person 

RuleThemAll: we want you and Boromir to start dating 

ArrowsAndSwords: hmm

ArrowsAndSwords: like this? 

ArrowsAndSwords: [Image Sent] 

Nienda: DAMN

RuleThemAll: oh my GOD yes who instigated it

ArrowsAndSwords: Boromir actually 

RuleThemAll: wow he does NOT waste time 

Theunderratedbrother: that’s his house, so you guys know 

Firedemon: who topped 

Pretty-vamp: please it was Lurtz 

ArrowsAndSwords: yeah it was me 

BadRomanceGoth: *happy swooning noises* 

SuckerForYou: I dated Boromir he really does NOT waste time 

TerraMom: okay guys lay off him 

Horseman: haha NO 

ArrowsAndSwords: hahaha YES 

Horseman: okay because you’re like twice my size 

ArrowsAndSwords: okay 

ArrowsAndSwords: also I have news 

ArrowsAndSwords: it’s not good news

RuleThemAll: oh no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEMA is not a drug, despite the connotation. It is an acronym for Historical European Martial Arts. Lurtz and Sauron both do HEMA, as does Boromir, but Lurtz has been doing it the longest.


	6. the one with Google Translate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for descriptions of underage sex I guess?

ArrowsAndSwords: so Boromir’s dad walked into his room

RuleThemAll: oh my god 

Theunderratedbrother: did he freak out 

ArrowsAndSwords: yeah he did 

Icyginger: were you guys doing anything or just talking 

ArrowsAndSwords: if we were TALKING he wouldn’t have been SCREAMING 

Icyginger: um who was screaming

ArrowsAndSwords: his dad

Icyginger: SO WHAT WERE YOU DOING    
  


ArrowsAndSwords: let’s just say it was pretty compromising 

Icyginger: WHAT WERE YOU DOING 

ArrowsAndSwords: I had two fingers up his ass and we were both naked 

Icyginger: there’s something else isn’t there

ArrowsAndSwords: um so I may or may not have given him a blow job

Theunderratedbrother: lol his dad must have gone beserk 

RuleThemAll: I’m adding Boromir 

Horseman: YES 

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has added  _ ** _Boromir _ ** _ to  _ ** _Gorthaur’s Playground _ **

Boromir: hi 

Boromir: why am I here 

ArrowsAndSwords: hi 

Boromir: I know who everyone is I scrolled up hi love

Boromir: lol my dad went nuts

** _RuleThemAll _ ** _ has changed  _ ** _Boromir’s _ ** _ name to  _ ** _CaptainGeneral _ **

CaptainGeneral: my dad went on a three-hour rant after that 

CaptainGeneral: also the two of us are in the same place 

ArrowsAndSwords: we’re at my house

RuleThemAll: ah I seee

CaptainGeneral: no we’re just lying on his couch 

RuleThemAll: oh okay sorry I thought we’d interrupted something 

ArrowsAndSwords: no 

RuleThemAll: anyway lol

CaptainGeneral: so he yelled at us for ages before I pointed out we both weren’t wearing anything and he stormed off 

ArrowsAndSwords: and then we literally just went right back to what we were doing 

CaptainGeneral: and then I screamed at one point because Lurtz BIT me 

ArrowsAndSwords: SO HE CAME BACK 

CaptainGeneral: and was screaming more and then he just gave up and left 

Horseman: you two are like the horniest couple in existence 

ArrowsAndSwords: no that title goes to Melkor and Mairon 

CaptainGeneral: true we come in second 

Pretty-vamp: yeah you do but in terms of horniest people it goes Uvatha Khamul Boromir Mairon and then Morgoth 

CaptainGeneral: wow Lurtz isn’t on the list

Pretty-vamp: nope he’s above it he’s too horny for the list 

ArrowsAndSwords: I mean you aren’t wrong 

RuleThemAll: moving on Melkor Mai’s at your place and you two haven’t said anything in a while 

FLYLikeAnEagle: I CAN HEAR THEM OH MY GOD 

RuleThemAll: can I kill them now or later 

Firedemon: how about never

RuleThemAll: YOU ARE NOT YAVANNA    
  


TerraMom: open the chat to like six hundred notifs and Mai and Mel having sex wth and Sauron yeah go kill them I need to sleep 

RuleThemAll: thank you mom 

Firedemon: wtf

ArrowsAndSwords: jaf;ahkjdshlafdkjlleawifujkjdhnjkvgda

Firedemon: did Boromir jump him is the question

BadRomanceGoth: we all know the ANSWER 

SuckerForYou: Boromir did you jump Lurtz

BadRomanceGoth: ten bucks says he doesn’t answer

CaptainGeneral: next time this happens I’m throwing my phone out the goddamn window 

RuleThemAll: so Khamul I’ll take the money in cash, please

BadRomanceGoth: no 

RuleThemAll: too bad pay up or no ring pops 

BadRomanceGoth: fine be there in two hours

SuckerForYou: two hours? Wth 

BadRomanceGoth: because I have google translating to do 

** _‘Gorthaur’s Playground’ _ **

BadRomanceGoth: guys I translated a bit of our texting

BadRomanceGoth: the new one: 

Use TV models and do a good job in the future

Chicken. Then I cried a bit because I played

Search terms will come back later

Captain Jean. After he saved himself, he accepted it

Yes: You are a crazy family

The arrow is the name of Malcolm and Malona

But the director is only a few seconds away from us

BadRomanceGoth: but the original: 

ArrowsAndSwords: and then we literally just went right back to what we were doing 

CaptainGeneral: and then I screamed at one point because Lurtz BIT me 

ArrowsAndSwords: SO HE CAME BACK 

CaptainGeneral: and was screaming more and then he just gave up and left 

Horseman: you two are like the horniest couple in existence 

ArrowsAndSwords: no that title goes to Melkor and Mairon 

CaptainGeneral: true we come in second 

RuleThemAll: so pretzels are a game now 

ArrowsAndSwords: Boromir is name chicken 

** _ArrowsAndSwords _ ** _ has changed  _ ** _BadRomanceGoth’s _ ** _ name to  _ ** _TranslatorOfStupidity_ **

TranslatorOfStupidity: I mean it’s not inaccurate

** **

RuleThemAll: fuck this shit I’m making a board game out of pretzels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to forever_disney_love for the support you've given me!
> 
> Also, I have some not-so-great news. As of today, everything is on hold until I finish The Right Wrong Everything. Please do go read it, it's kind of my baby!


End file.
